I said I wasn’t going to do it after December 31, 2010. Struggle, that is. I’m still struggling with a few things that I just can’t seem to find heartfelt answers to. I’ve carried them into the new year.
But I’ve changed the name – now they are challenges. Much easier to deal with. I may not come out the winner in a struggle, but I can always face and win a challenge.
The main challenge is my “faith” or what I really believe. I have rebelled against the vengeful, strike ’em dead if they get out of line God of my childhood and discovered a more loving, gentle God. I am much more comfortable with Him.
I enjoy believing He’s preparing a place in Heaven for me. But still have trouble with the concept of “hell”. If God truly loves us unconditionally, why would He even create such a place? We would never cast a child that we loved unconditionally in a lake of fire to burn forever. Would we? Even if they disobeyed. Even if they disobeyed over and over again. But yet, that’s what I’m asked to believe about God. Just doesn’t make sense to me. I know there’s the whole Satan story, and us being born sinners and all, and I’m having trouble with that one too.
This “belief” challenge is nothing new to me. I’ve been challenged with it all my life and have really gotten down and dirty with it the past 13 or 14 years. How do I reconcile what I’ve been taught with what I feel? How do I feel good about taking Little Miss ASIJ to a church that preaches hellfire and damnation? Can’t do it. Won’t do it.
Many’s the time I cried myself to sleep as a small child because of our Pastor’s ending question. He would point his finger at the congregation (but I swear he was always pointing at me) and ask “If you walked out of those church doors tonight and were hit by a car, would you be ready to meet your saviour?” I asked for forgiveness every Sunday night (and every other night) and I knew I was “saved”, but what if…just what if I sinned before I had another chance to ask for forgiveness??? I lived my little life in fear of God…something I won’t ask Little Miss ASIJ to do.
These days I am in love with God. I believe in angels. I believe that Jesus was the Son of God and that He died an untimely death at the hands of men that were threatened by the message he brought. I believe that message was that God, Our Heavenly Father, was pure LOVE. I believe I was born to serve and show that love and pass it on. And I am content with that.
I believe God would have me let go of what does not serve me. I believe He would have me let go of those beliefs that were born in fear.
I’m sure that most God-fearing Christians would say I have been blinded by Satan or that I just don’t understand. You guys…get over it.
Everything else will just have to be reconciled with time…I’m trusting God to give me the answers and to give me peace until it’s all figured out.
Well now, I seem to have talked myself through that challenge.
Now on to the other challenges in my life.
Ok…bring it on.