Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be. ~Matthew 6:19
Where my treasure is…there will my heart be also.
And where my heart is, THAT is where my attention lies. This makes perfect sense.
There is something stirring in my soul. I haven’t been able to pin it down until this morning. I am near tears as I write. It has been a succession of little happenings this morning.
First, I read Alison May’s Brocante Home post in which she speaks of her woes and I felt so small. Alison relates, “Today my little one is at home. It’s an odd day. One tinged with the mild resentment of the working Mummy…” I am a working Mummy filled and overflowing with resentment and for months and especially recently I have several times made the statement at work “I just really don’t want to be here”. And I meant it.
But I am very grateful for my job. I LOVE my job. I bless my job and all my very weird co-workers. I do want to be here. But I’d rather be at home with my family homeschooling Little Miss ASIJ. Fixing my house just so so in the early day hours when I have so much energy. I want Adventure. Magic. Awesome. And I want it the way I want it!
I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a stay at home Mom. I envy those who are afforded the luxury of that dream. But my envy has become something of a heaviness lately that I just can’t seem to shake. I’ve always had to work. (Except for 2 short years when I stayed home with Little Miss ASIJ. Those were the happiest days of my life.) I’ve always set my dream aside to make sure everybody else got what they wanted or needed. Yes, I’d like a little cheese with that whine. Oh waaah waaaah waaaah. Enough already.
And then the sentence of Alison’s that broke my heart “It has been a year and one day since my world fell apart.” Oh Alison, I am hugging you in my heart sweet lady. My life is SO good, how can I ever whine?
This morning in the truck on the way to work, I reminded myself of what I say to people all the time, “You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.”
I AM EXACTLY WHERE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE. ~ME
Then a little while ago I saw a picture on another of my favorite places on the internet (in)courage
I have so much stuff. I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I live with so much and some live with so little.
Now I know it’s time to get busy. It’s time to make a difference. It’s time to start changing ME so that I create a little butterfly effect which can and will ripple in places and in ways that I can’t even begin to imagine.
It’s time for me to create space in my home.
It’s time for me to create space in my heart.
So how can I tie all this together? How can I be exactly where I’m supposed to be but so NOT doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Gosh, can you see why I feel like such a failure? Sometimes I feel like such a fake. I know there’s a purpose to this life. I know there’s so much more I’m supposed to be doing. And yet I do nothing. One day just fades into the next.
It’s been going on for some time now…this stirring in my soul. I think I have been preparing, so I can’t really fault myself. Maybe I really am right where I’m supposed to be so that my heart and soul are ready.
For so long now I have been so confused about spiritual matters. The jury’s still out on that – I am letting God just work on my heart and see what develops. I’m not pushing it. But is it time that I finally let God heal up my broken heart and walk back into the life I grew up knowing and always loved until I let MANKIND mess it up for me? Is it time I finally say “enough is enough”? Maybe so.
Maybe this is part of the preparing. Part of the purifying.
Good grief it’s taken long enough.