I Have To Forgive Her

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~ Paul Boese

It has always been easy for me to forgive. I’ve never really held grudges against people and I’ve been proud of that fact.

Until now.

There is a person in my life that, at one time, I prayed “God, please just get her out of my life”. God answered, and she is, for the most part, out of my life. I don’t have to deal with her anymore on a daily basis. Her name does come up every once in awhile. If I mention her name amongst friends, everyone’s back arches and their claws come out. She’s hurt many more than just me. But that’s not my concern. I have to swallow hard and forgive her…for me.

Forgiving her won’t change the past, but it will tear down this wall that has built itself around my heart. Forgiving her won’t change a thing, except me. She won’t even know about it, but I will.

She did a lot of good things for me, and I try to think of those things but still, even the good brings a bitter taste to my mouth.

I am a better person because of her. I owe a lot to her, most of all, I owe her my forgiveness. I still don’t want her in my life and this is one way of cleansing and removing her completely. As long as I hold on to the bitterness, she will be forever with me.

So this is when I pull from the depths of all I’ve learned and send love and forgiveness to someone who would never even admit she needs forgiveness. Each time her name comes up I have to just close my eyes and think love, love, love.

Now is the time I have to walk the walk and talk the talk of what I’ve been trying to learn and live…that you don’t love a person because of who they are or what they’ve done. You love them just because they ARE. Every soul is worthy of love. No matter what.

Not one of God’s children can be evil. At worst, he or she is hurt. At worst, he or she attacks others, and blames them for their pain. But, they are not evil.

Yes, your compassion must go this deep. There is no human being who does not deserve your forgiveness. There is no human being who does not deserve your love. ~ Paul Ferrini

I have to dig deep and find compassion for this person.

So that I can be free and travel lightly upon the earth, I have to let go of the baggage.

I have to forgive her.

Hold Tight

When Little Miss ASIJ was born, before we left the hospital, I remember one time when I was holding her and she wouldn’t stop crying. I was so tired, I needed to sleep and she needed to stop crying. I felt helpless and didn’t know what to do. Finally Ms. Heroic Nurse came in and took her from me. Ms. Heroic Nurse simply wrapped Little Miss ASIJ tightly in a baby blanket and instantly she stopped crying. Handing her back to me, she said, “She’s not used to all this space. She’s feeling insecure. Just wrap her up tight and hold her close and she’ll feel secure.”

So simple.

Just wrap her up tight and hold her close.

She’ll feel secure.

Ahem. Ok. So I look a little rough here but I’m guessing I was pretty tired. I can still look at this picture and remember the sacred, holy bliss of holding her in my arms. So much lovin’ going on here.

Little Miss ASIJ is 11 now. I can’t wrap her in a blanket and hold her in my lap like I could when she was a baby. Though I’ve tried.

Thank goodness she still loves to hug. We hug ALOT.

Life is good.

This could be an answer to start some of the healing that needs to happen between parents and their children. Especially their teens. And between husbands and wives. Wrap them up tightly in your arms and hold them close. Big bear hugs. Hug them until it becomes uncomfortable. You know that moment when your hugging someone and its gone on a little long and you start to feel awkward? Keep hugging. Hug them until they start squirming and then hold on a little tighter and hug a little longer. Our families need to feel secure.

Which brings to mind one of my favorite quotes…

Breathe deep, walk slow, hold tight to those you love, for the sun is setting and it will be over so fast. ~ Ken Pierpont ~

Hold tight.

Unconditional Love And The Fires of Hell

I said I wasn’t going to do it after December 31, 2010. Struggle, that is. I’m still struggling with a few things that I just can’t seem to find heartfelt answers to. I’ve carried them into the new year.

But I’ve changed the name – now they are challenges. Much easier to deal with. I may not come out the winner in a struggle, but I can always face and win a challenge.

The main challenge is my “faith” or what I really believe. I have rebelled against the vengeful, strike ’em dead if they get out of line God of my childhood and discovered a more loving, gentle God. I am much more comfortable with Him.

I enjoy believing He’s preparing a place in Heaven for me. But still have trouble with the concept of “hell”. If God truly loves us unconditionally, why would He even create such a place? We would never cast a child that we loved unconditionally in a lake of fire to burn forever. Would we? Even if they disobeyed. Even if they disobeyed over and over again. But yet, that’s what I’m asked to believe about God. Just doesn’t make sense to me. I know there’s the whole Satan story, and us being born sinners and all, and I’m having trouble with that one too.

This “belief” challenge is nothing new to me. I’ve been challenged with it all my life and have really gotten down and dirty with it the past 13 or 14 years. How do I reconcile what I’ve been taught with what I feel? How do I feel good about taking Little Miss ASIJ to a church that preaches hellfire and damnation? Can’t do it. Won’t do it.

Many’s the time I cried myself to sleep as a small child because of our Pastor’s ending question. He would point his finger at the congregation (but I swear he was always pointing at me) and ask “If you walked out of those church doors tonight and were hit by a car, would you be ready to meet your saviour?” I asked for forgiveness every Sunday night (and every other night) and I knew I was “saved”, but what if…just what if I sinned before I had another chance to ask for forgiveness??? I lived my little life in fear of God…something I won’t ask Little Miss ASIJ to do.

These days I am in love with God. I believe in angels. I believe that Jesus was the Son of God and that He died an untimely death at the hands of men that were threatened by the message he brought. I believe that message was that God, Our Heavenly Father, was pure LOVE. I believe I was born to serve and show that love and pass it on. And I am content with that.

I believe God would have me let go of what does not serve me. I believe He would have me let go of those beliefs that were born in fear.

I’m sure that most God-fearing Christians would say I have been blinded by Satan or that I just don’t understand. You guys…get over it.

Everything else will just have to be reconciled with time…I’m trusting God to give me the answers and to give me peace until it’s all figured out.

Well now, I seem to have talked myself through that challenge.

Now on to the other challenges in my life.

Ok…bring it on.

Lean Forward Into Your Life

“Lean forward into your life…catch the best bits and the finest wind. Just tip your feathers in flight a wee bit and see how dramatically that small lean can change your life.”— Mary Anne Radmacher

This is how I want to live my life…leaning forward. Tipping my feathers in flight a wee bit.

And so – this is my goal for 2011…to lean into life. To lean, I have to learn to trust. Trust that I’ll never fall, but even if I should, someone will be there to catch me. Sometimes trusting is such a sweet comfort.

Happy New Year my friends. 2011 is going to be the greatest one yet!