I am giving it up, the struggle, finally.
I’m giving myself until December 31, the end of 2010, to grieve, mourn, vent, rant, rave, feel sorry for myself, have pity parties, holler, scream, stomp my feet, wail and weep about all the things in my life that didn’t turn out like I thought they should turn out. Everything that hasn’t worked out. All the children that I didn’t have. Everything that I dreamed of that didn’t happen. Everything I longed for that got pushed to the side. The “me” I thought I would be at 53. My dreams that just aren’t going to be. The way life “should” be. In fact, all the “should haves, would haves, could haves” that beat me up all the time.
This has been a year of struggle. Struggle with my beliefs, with guilt over things I could do nothing about, with tiredness, with trying to age gracefully.
2011 will be the year of ending those struggles. What I can change I will change. What I can’t change or have no control over, I will accept and move on. What I don’t understand I will place in God’s hands until he gives me understanding and peace. So 2011 should be interesting.
Last night I read this from Sue Monk Kidd’s “Dance of the Dissident Daughter”.
There is deep wisdom in giving up the fight to make it go away. When we instead come home to our path, we come home to what is. You are where you are. So be there. Stop trying to protect yourself from the harshness of right now, fleeing into a long fabrication about how it’s going to be one day. That’s a way of avoiding the here-and-now truth of our lives.
You are where you are. So be there.
I’m giving up the fight. I’m coming home to my path. I’m coming home to what is. And though what is certainly is not harsh at all – the harshness lies in imaginings of my own doing. My own thoughts about how things should be.
Certainly I have to find what “my path” really is. It is definitely not the path of any other. It is MY PATH. I’m taking ownership. And I’m taking it seriously.
I’m going to enjoy this journey now more than ever before.
Mainly because I’m dropping the oars and floating downstream. Taking the path of least resistance. Giving up the struggle, giving up the fight.
This feels so right.