While struggling to fight my way out of whatever swamp I had become lost in, I realized two things:
1. Life was still going on around me; and
2. Love still reigned supreme.
It was not quite noon I believe, when I felt that I had stopped breathing. Only in my mind of course, but I still felt it all the way to my toes. I had started crying…and couldn’t stop. I got up from my desk and shut and locked both of my office doors. I got my doctor’s nurse on the phone, “Bare with me,” I cried. And spit out the words, “Please, I need some help – I can’t stop crying. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t talk.” We talked for what seemed like hours, well she listened more than talked, while I heaved words out as best I could. I was drowning in my own tears. Is this what a mental breakdown feels like?
After we hung up, after she promised she’d call me back after she talked to my doctor, I couldn’t get up to unlock my doors. People needed me but right at that moment I was the only one in the world. They waited.
She called back. It seemed a medication change was in order. Ya think????
I then thought maybe a call to my neurologist would help. He wasn’t in, but the nurse would have him call me the next day. Ok. Ok.
The next week he calls. His words: “I’m telling you what I told you the last time you were in my office. I want you to see the psychiatrist I have already referred you too.”
My reply: “And I’m telling you what I told you last time I was in your office. I can’t afford to pay the deductible. And besides, its not me that’s crazy, it’s all these other people around me that are causing me all this stress.”
His retort: “Oh my girl, you are in SUCH denial.”
I honestly couldn’t think of anything to say to him except, “ok, I’ll get back with you about that.”
I felt like such a wimp.
But after a change in medication and almost three weeks of mostly sleeping…I have stopped crying. I am feeling better and the fog has cleared a bit.
I don’t want to go through that again. And really don’t know why it happened then. Unless it really was the medication I was on and had been on about three years. Did my body chemistry suddenly change?
But I think I’m back.