How’d That Happen?

While struggling to fight my way out of whatever swamp I had become lost in, I realized two things:

1. Life was still going on around me; and

2. Love still reigned supreme.

It was not quite noon I believe, when I felt that I had stopped breathing. Only in my mind of course, but I still felt it all the way to my toes. I had started crying…and couldn’t stop. I got up from my desk and shut and locked both of my office doors. I got my doctor’s nurse on the phone, “Bare with me,” I cried. And spit out the words, “Please, I need some help – I can’t stop crying. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t talk.” We talked for what seemed like hours, well she listened more than talked, while I heaved words out as best I could. I was drowning in my own tears. Is this what a mental breakdown feels like?

After we hung up, after she promised she’d call me back after she talked to my doctor, I couldn’t get up to unlock my doors. People needed me but right at that moment I was the only one in the world. They waited.

She called back. It seemed a medication change was in order. Ya think????

I then thought maybe a call to my neurologist would help. He wasn’t in, but the nurse would have him call me the next day. Ok. Ok.

The next week he calls. His words: “I’m telling you what I told you the last time you were in my office. I want you to see the psychiatrist I have already referred you too.”

My reply: “And I’m telling you what I told you last time I was in your office. I can’t afford to pay the deductible. And besides, its not me that’s crazy, it’s all these other people around me that are causing me all this stress.”

His retort: “Oh my girl, you are in SUCH denial.”

I honestly couldn’t think of anything to say to him except, “ok, I’ll get back with you about that.”

I felt like such a wimp.

But after a change in medication and almost three weeks of mostly sleeping…I have stopped crying. I am feeling better and the fog has cleared a bit.

I don’t want to go through that again. And really don’t know why it happened then. Unless it really was the medication I was on and had been on about three years. Did my body chemistry suddenly change?

Who knows?

But I think I’m back.

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One thought on “How’d That Happen?

  1. Yikes! Scary stuff. Good for you for locking the door and giving yourself the space you needed in that moment. Also good for you for reaching out to your doctors, regardless of their reaction, for help & support.
    *Hugs*
    Carolynn

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