Growing up I always had LOTS of friends. My teenage years were filled with friends and activity. Never a dull moment. I was the silly one, the clown. There was not a shy bone in my body. I was everybody’s friend and a voice for the underdog.
These days I have two, maybe three friends that I trust and not even one that I hang out with when I’m not at work or home. For the past 11 years or so, I’d much rather just quietly fly under the radar and lay low. Not cause waves and keep my mouth shut. Don’t even look ’em in the eyes. Why is this? How did this happen?
In April of 1998, the divorce was final. I breathed a sigh of relief that it was over and I was free of the drama but at the same time, my spirit had been crushed.
And I was drowning.
Up until that time, as a minister’s wife, I was always surrounded by friends, members of the congregation, other ministers and their families. If I wasn’t cooking for someone at our house, we were at their house. Never alone. But always lonely.
Such a drastic change, going from everything to nothing in the time frame of a few short months, knocked the wind right out of me. All of a sudden I had started to believe what I had been told for over 21 years. You’re a bad wife. You’re a bad mother. You’re a bad person. I’m sure Mr. Ex doesn’t remember it that way. We have a way of justifying our actions while we tread on others.
And I had committed what is whispered in Christian circles and amongst ministers to be an unpardonable sin. I had divorced.
Now I found myself alone.
Everything I’d ever known was gone. The shelter I called my family was gone. I felt I was nothing without the life I had just left behind.
Then along comes Mr. ASIJ. At the time I think we both were so lost that we didn’t even realize what was happening. We saved each other from drowning but fought each other every lap of the way. Especially me. Maybe I didn’t want to be saved. I think I actually enjoyed wallowing in my misery. But Mr. ASIJ wouldn’t let me. So I took a deep breath and survived.
Fast forward 11 years and here we are.
It’s been a long journey back but I think I’m finally ready to reconnect to life…to friends…to extended family.
I am a good wife. I am a good mother. I am a good person. Not perfect by any means but good.
I’m not lonely anymore. Even when I’m alone, I’m not lonely.
I think I’m ready to reconnect.
Now I seek a circle of friends. Friends that will stick by me when I commit an “unpardonable sin”. Friends that won’t gasp when they find out I’m not perfect.
Know of anybody?
And reconnecting with the ones from lost years – where do I even begin?