Someone Save My Life Tonight

Hanging on for dear life at the edge of yet another self-imposed precipice in my life, I realized that the weird thing about the people who come along and save our lives day in and day out are the ones who don’t even realize they’re doing it. The ones that pompously run around trying to do it wind up just getting on our nerves and in our way.

Don’t ask me exactly what this means, its just been in my head for two days and I needed to get it out and look at it to see if I could figure out what it means.

I do see it now, and I understand it, but why has it been in MY head?  What precipice am I hanging from?  Who is saving my life?  Why does my life even need to be saved and how did I get into a position anyway where I was hanging off of anything???

Seems I got me some heavy pondering to do.

Yes Mr. ASIJ, You CAN Go Home!

I have always felt saddened by the fact that  “you can’t go home”, but today I felt a sense of relief as I read a quote from Maya Angelou.  In her book, Letters to My Daughter she states:

“Thomas Wolfe warned in the title of America’s great novel that ‘You Can’t Go Home Again.’ I enjoyed the book but I never agreed with the title. I believe that one can never leave home. I believe that one carries the shadows, the dreams, the fears, and the dragons of home under one’s skin, at the extreme corners of one’s eyes, and possibly in the gristle of the ear lobe.”

I agree with her wholeheartedly.  I have always thought it so sad that supposedly I couldn’t go home, especially since I live where I grew up. Am I here and not supposed to be?  Even when I didn’t live in my home town I still carried it with me and never, ever left it behind.  True, I don’t have many friends here.  True, there are some less than happy memories here.  But I grew up with this dirt under my fingernails and in the seat of my britches.  I grew up with this mud oozing between my toes.  I grew up breathing this air.  I looked up everyday as a child and saw this sky.

Not that I haven’t tried to get away, thinking if I left I could “start over”.  My new starts were only bandaids, hiding wounds and scars that were always going to be there no matter what.  The shadows, the dreams, the fears, the dragons, always right there with me, hanging around my neck like a noose.  I thought if I left, I could leave behind “who I was” and be somebody else.  Didn’t work.  Not even one time did it work.  That “who I was” was, remarkably, “who I was” no matter where my tailbone landed.  That “who I was” is still “who I am”.

Sigh…

But I am, as I’ve written before, learning to love “who I am”.

Slow process…big rewards.

Also a very remarkable fact I’ve discovered is that all I had to do was reach up and loosen the noose around my neck and BREATHE.  I am in control.  I never really had to leave in the first place.  There now…all better…I can go home.

I am at home.

I am at home even in this old house that is falling apart around me.  I am at home when everyone else around me seems strange, wearing masks so I can’t see who they really are.  I am at home when there is war next door and murder down the street.

BUT I also believe that HOME is where your heart is.  HOME  is where you hang you hat.  HOME is where you plop your butt.  Anyplace can be home.  So if you’re not playing in the dirt you grew up in – take the shadows, dreams, fears and dragons of home and plant them in the dirt you stand in now.

Have I contradicted myself?  Probably.

The truth is…home is wherever I chose to be.

Plain and simple.

But its never truly black and white.  Only shades of gray.

And nothing is written in stone.  I can be home, go home, leave home, or build a new home…anytime I want to.

I’ll hush talking now.  I’m confusing myself.  Am I home or not?

Sigh…

The Choices We Make

Choices
Choices

Oh yes, the choices we make. That one little thing we did and it changed the course of our entire life. The words we said or didn’t say. The phone call we made or didn’t make. Our life boils down to one thing – choices.

It was a cold night in January of 1998 when I made a life altering choice. It was a really dangerously stupid one and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, especially a woman. I got in my car on a Tuesday after work and drove 4 hours to meet for the first time in person and pick up and bring back to my apartment a man I had only met on the internet. Sure, we had talked for hours and hours on the computer and on the phone. But I didn’t really know him. A person can be anybody or anything they want to be on the internet and some people are excellent actors. When I think back to making that choice, I am filled with such mixed emotions. He could have done anything to me and nobody would have ever known. They would have just missed me at work the next morning.

Would I do it again? Knowing how everything would turn out, in a heartbeat I’d do it again. But why did I do it that night? I know better than to do something stupid and dangerous like that. I’m the world’s biggest scaredy cat. Why did I do it? Why do we do anything? I guess because either we just plain want to or we’re scared NOT to do it. I had a blonde moment and I’m not really blonde.  But maybe it was divine guidance.  I’d really like to believe that was why I did it.

I was divinely guided by the HAND OF GOD.  Yeah right.

Anyway, he was very quiet on the way back to my apartment. For 4 hours he said barely a thing. All he had was the clothes on his back, a black garbage bag with a few more clothes and personal items, and an orange coffee cup. I remember he was wearing cowboy boots. Men stomp when they wear cowboy boots. And take really big steps.

So I picked him up and we talked a little on the way back and got to kind of know each other a little.

I took him home with me.

He never left.

He and I are light years away from each other on most subjects. We don’t have a whole lot in common. I do a lot of eyeball rolling when talking to him because I truly think he’s just about the weirdest person I’ve ever met.

So why are we still together?

Well, I’ve learned more from this man than anyone I’ve ever come in contact with. I became pregnant after we’d been together about a year and a half…weird thing is I can’t have children. He’s a very gentle man who wavers betweens worlds or dimensions or whatever you choose to call them. He’s not all here but he’s not all there – but in a good way.  He always thinks outside of the box, sometimes he even leaves the room that the box is in!! He’s extremely creative. He’s the most open minded person I’ve ever known.  And he stuck by me when I had brain surgery and my head was shaved and I was butt ugly and when there was no nurse around to stick that bedpan under me – and STILL he told me I was beautiful.  Wow!!  Talk about racking up brownie points!

But I guess we’re really still together just for the simple reason that neither one of us ever left.  We are very comfortable together. And…well…I love him and he loves me in a Mr. ASIJ kind of way.

Stranger things have happened, but not to me.

Except maybe the birth of Little Miss ASIJ which I will write about later.

Life sure is good.

This is how you know I love you…

I found this again today and didn’t want to lose it, so it has become today’s blog entry.

~~~~~

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”

~Megan Jo Eberhart, 5 years old.

 

This is how you know I love you.

Angel dust falls whenever I speak your name.

My eyes glitter and my lips turn up at the corners in a smile.

 

This is how you know I love you.

Your name rolls off my tongue light as a feather.

From the words that fall from my lips, others would think you’re an angel

And could do no wrong.

 

This is how you know I love you.

I tell you.

Just in case you forget.

T ~

November 7, 2008

Say What You Need To Say

I love the song “Say” by John Mayer.  Kind of an overwhelming amount of say what you need to say’s going on there but I love the song nonetheless. 

 

If only I had always done that…

  

I love the last verse:

 

“Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open.”

 

Say what you need to say…

 

I won’t go as far as to call myself a coward, but all these years, all these many many years, I have never (except to a very few) said what I needed to say.  I have always said what others needed to hear.  I have never said MY TRUTH, but always someone else’s.  I have sold my soul for a few nods of approval, a few smiles, a few pats on the back, and yes, even a few “I love you’s”. Now as I near the age where I’ll finally get my senior citizens discount, I am itching, just biting at the bits to say what I need to say. Suddenly, I don’t care if you approve of me or what I have to say.  I don’t care if you shake your head in disbelief at what I’m saying or what I believe.  I don’t care if you pat me on the back or walk away. 

 

Oh yes, my hands are shaking, and my faith is broken (very broken).  When faced with the truth four years ago that I either had to have brain surgery or die, I was also faced with the truth that if I died I would have never said what I needed to say.  Everything within me still unwritten, still unspoken.  All my thoughts and ideas and words would remain unspoken because, foolishly, I had kept them to myself and had only verbalized polished, polite, politically correct thoughts, ideas and words.  In essence, I had not lived MY life.  I had not given MY heart.  I had not shared MY soul.  These truths had left me feeling very empty.  So I started to change.  It was kind of slow at first.  But I am finally speaking my peace, saying what I need to say.  Sometimes you have to hurt to heal.  Sometimes you have to jump into the abyss before your wings kick in and lift you up.

Possibilities
Possibilities
 

 

So now, if you want to hear what I have to say, brace yourself.  Hang on to your bootstraps cause I won’t be saying what you need to hear.  You’ll have to find someone else for that.  I’ll be saying MY truth, not your truth, or his truth, or their truth but MY truth.  Like it or not.  Take it or leave it.  Call me names, I really don’t care anymore.  And that one statement “I really don’t care anymore” has been like a breath of fresh air.

  

So say what you need to say.  Say it out loud or say it to yourself.  Just say it.  And say it with your heart wide open.

 

Maybe its not only knowing the truth that will set you free, but saying it.  Cause when you say it, you really feel it.  Now THAT’S freedom.

Letting Go and Holding On

I think I shall just “let go” of the idea that I’ll ever be a great or maybe even good blogger. I’m taking the pressure off…right here…right now.

Just going to enjoy my beautiful days and share beautiful things with you.

Love to you.

Kisses.

And lots of hugs.

What great thing have I learned today?  In another life I may have been an organized martha stewart type…but not in this one.

I smile as I breathe.  Feels good to be me – just me.  Especially feels good to really discover just who “ME” is.  I’m actually neater than I thought I was.  I’ve had moments of astonishing mind blowing beauty in the past, like when I was pregnant with Little Miss ASIJ.  I’m not stupid AT ALL, but have had to learn to write things down in my CAN (Catch All Notebook) because I’m really forgetful these days.  So much about me I’m just discovering.  Wow…I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to be someone I “thought” I should be.

Me as a mother…Me as a wife.  Ok so I’ll never write any great books or stories about “The Good Mother” or “The Good Wife”.  But I love my family more than I ever thought possible.  And I was born with momma bear claws…and they WILL come out if they are needed to protect the ASIJ clan.

This is my life.

Every day of it.

Every moment of it.

ph-10069

Mr. ASIJ and Little Miss ASIJ.  There goes my heart and soul.  There goes my life.

Sweet Darkness by David Whyte

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone

that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

~David Whyte